But here's a how to guide.
1) Join a girl group
Preferably with three members. Then sing about how no man appreciates you and how it's just soooooo much better being single (let's leave out the part about how we can't actually get boyfriends. Irrelevant)
Take Destiny's Child for example. What a group.
They managed to do it, almost without effort. Kelly (on the left, for all those not in the know) rocking the underwear as outerwear look, unleashing her inner diiiiiiiva. Then you have got Beyonce, the girl in charge. You must always have a dominant member of a girl group, creates more sass. Then you have Michelle... wait, no one actually cares about Michelle. I won't continue.
Destiny's Child has the best example of girl power music. All the gals are there for each other, pretty empowering stuff if you ask me. But, err, no one has.
If all else fails and you can't find friends cool enough to embark of the first step of sass, just start a band with two of you. I mean, Mindy and I are in a two person Destiny's Child (we decided to cut out Michelle. Waste of oxygen).
2) Break away from the girl group and create an awesome music career
An essential. The breakaway shows that you don't need no one to support you, giiiiiiirl! Next sing a song about female empowerment, and act like a feminist. But, of course, no one will think you're a feminist. They'll just think you're sassy.
I'm talking about you Beyonce.
3) Look the part
It is absolutely imperative that you give everybody the illusion that you are completely confident in your own body, even if you just want to crawl up and die (a la me).
And you're going to need to wear some kind of animal print. I don't know why, it just seems to be some unspoken sassy rule which all we sassmeisters must abide by.
4) Show them your 'tude
Ok, so here's the point where I admit that I actually know nothing about sassy-ness and have had to Google 'How To Be Sassy'. Jesus Christ Internet, 36,700,000 hits. Who knew so many people were in 'Search of the Sass'?
And apparently 'tude is terminology used frequently by only the most sassy of the sassy. So, obviously, being a vampire pale Scottish/Essex girl, I immediately included myself in the aforementioned group.
There's not much I can say about 'tude (OK IT'S ATTITUDE FOR THOSE WHO STILL HAVEN'T GOT IT), but I have a great example that I think will just sum it up.
Bring on the Lil' Mama
'tude to the extreme
5) Don't let the haters bring you down!
Haterz gonna hate, potatoz gonna potate.
Another thing Google told me was that supposedly, sassy girls are supposed to have hundreds of comebacks. Just think how much time that would take?! Ok, so stop doing your homework and stop doing it, like, ever and WORK ON THOSE COMEBACKS.
You'll be totally stupid but, hey, you'll have sass.
For example:
'Excuse me, I can't hear you over the sound of how wrong you are'
or alternatively
'Excuse me, I can't hear you over the sound of how right I am'
And finally a sassy classic by all standards:
'Is your name Kanye West? No? Then stop interrupting me!'
And there you go. 5 Steps To Sassiness. Don't thank me, thank Google.
L x
(the sassy queen)
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