How to Answer the Phone

This is a sequel to How to Respond to Texts, immediately after I posted it I realised that a few people actually use their telephonic devices to make phone calls and physically speak to someone (not face-to-face of course, who even does that anymore?)
Nowadays, the majority of the world has caller ID on their mobile (unless living in the dark ages is your thing, which is totally fine) so you can tell who is calling you and think of what to say before you press the green phone button and receive the call, but picking up the phone can be awkward if you say the wrong thing to the wrong person.
Obviously, you iPhone 4S users could just double click your middle button and ask Siri what to say when you pick up the phone very speedily before actually picking up your call, however, some of us don't have that luxury and if you read this and commit the following greetings to memory, you could use Siri for more pressing matters. Like asking who is the fairest of them all and if she'll be your friend.


Calling: MUM

If she is mad at you: Answer: *fake crying* Yes Mummy? *fake sob*
If you have good news: Answer: Guess what!!
If someone is eavesdropping: Answer: Hola madre!
Any other circumstance: Answer: Maaaammm!!

Calling: DAD

Answer: Hi dad, firstly, can I have £20?...
or Answer: Yeah hi dad, could I ask you a teeny tiny favour?...

Calling: SIBLING
Answer: Oi, what do you want?
or Answer: Ergh, you

Calling: BEST FRIEND
Answer: Hey fatty
or Answer: You literally just left my house, what did you forget this time?
or Answer: Got any gossip for me, (insert chosen rude name here)?

Calling: ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING SURVEY PEOPLE

Answer: Hello, the person you are calling is unavailable, please leave a message after the tone *make a high pitched noise*

Answer: Hello? Yeah, sorry (your name) isn't here right now, bye.

Calling: LESS GOOD FRIEND

Answer: Heyyy baaaabbee what's up?

Calling: OVERKEEN NEIGHBOUR (yes, this guy/girl pops up everywhere) 

Answer: Same as answer to One of the annoying survey people (see above)
or Answer: *fake yawn* Oh hi... Sorry... I'm so tired... I don't ever want to leave my bedroom for any reason... And I really love being alone... Yup, me, myself and I are having such a good time...

Calling: MEMBER OF OPPOSITE SEX

Answer: *Assume it is a bum call and don't pick up at all*
or Answer: Hi


I do not recommend answering the phone in any other way than the above. Trust me, I am an expert, I have done years and years of research and even have a PhD in phone calls, because that is totally a real thing.
Feel free to mix and match, but don't use the Mum ones in answering to anyone else, that could create some super uncomfortable situations.

Also, I deeply apologise for Lucy's premature Christmas posts, I couldn't hold her back, she's like a Russian revolutionary (Historical reference, I'm not a clairvoyant). I, however, shall start blogging about the pending festivities this Saturday, which is December 1st, which is when it is socially acceptable to do this.

M x