Underground Musings

As I have returned to my regular school schedule, I have had to go back to taking the tube twice a day and there are so many occasions when people on the tube have done something to annoy me and I have wanted to say something to them, but obviously can't. I have kept all these annoyances inside me and they are now bursting out of my seams so I felt it extremely necessary to write them somewhere; it is too late to tweet them so I am writing all of them here, in short letter form to each of the concerned groups. I hope you can sympathise and that I don't sound excessively harsh. I also hope that if you fit in any of the following categories, you will learn from this blog post.

This is not a realistic image of a London tube. Picture this and add gum all
over the seats and poo on the walls and seats.

Dear Foreign Tube-Travellers, just because the majority of the tube cannot understand you does not grant you the liberty to chat and laugh as loudly as you like.

Dear Students of the French School in London, I am not fluent in French like you but I do know enough French to tell when you are bitching about me and my friends, arrêtez s'il vous plaît.

Dear Year 7s, I don't really want to know about the whole of you day and what you did on the weekend and I don't think the whole carriage does either; especially when your story is aboout how a nit fell out of a girls' hair and onto the desk in English (although please tell me who this girl is so I can avoid her eternally). Please turn your voice down a little.

Dear iPod Listeners, I don't mind when I can hear the song that you are listening to very slightly, I know how difficult non-soundproof headphones can be, but when your music is so loud that I could identify and sing along to every song that you are listening to, that's when it's time to lower the volume.

Dear People Who Put Bags on Seats, no, just no.

Dear Laptop-Using-Office-type Commuters, just because you look suave in your suit and tie (Justin Timberlake song title intended) and your laptop happens to be the newest edition of Apple's MacBook Pro, doesn't grant you the liberty to stick your elbows all up in my biznizz.

Dear Fifty Shades of Grey Reading Commuters, don't be ashamed of your reading material, whip it out and read it openly. Scrap all that inside-of-your-handbag reading (not subtle) or covering the front and back covers with paper (it just makes it even more obvious) or reading your erotic novel on your eBook (sneaky sneaky). If you've got it, flaunt it; I'm sure that is the appropriate use of that saying. Also, after many over-the-shoulder readings, I have nearly read the whole of Fifty Shades Darker myself but I just need someone to open the book between pages 500-550 and I will have finished it!

Dear Pole Hoggers (the ones who lean their whole bodies against the hand rail thing so there is nowhere for you to hold onto in order to steady yourself. I am no pro-tube-surfer.), do you enjoy it when other members of the tube carriage fall all over and trample on your toes? If so, you have found the perfect way to ensure this happens to you lots, congratulations.

Dear Those who Insist upon Eating Fast-Food on the Underground, your food smells so so bad, could you at least be decent enough to spray some room spray around the tube once you have guzzled your cheeseburger? Also, feel free to give me one of your chips, especially if you have a large order of them (don't forget the ketchup either).

Here are a few more personal ones:

Dear Man Sitting Opposite me Today, I know that your headphones weren't plugged into anything, I saw when you were untangling them. Why did you insist upon pretending to listen to music? You weren't gaining any cool points.

Dear Man in Suit Standing on the Tube on Tuesday, do you need an iPhone to go with those three BlackBerries?

Dear Woman Sitting Across From me Yesterday, why didn't you share your cold pizza with me? Yes, it was 8 in the morning, but you had well over 10 pieces all to yourself. Also, I liked your nail varnish.

Dear Man Who Was Listening to the James Bond Theme Song on Repeat on the Tube Last Year, I love you man. Please come back, you made my tube journey feel so bad*ss. (Starred it just in case)


Hope that wasn't too nasty and you will forgive the large, not-so-leisurely break that Lucy and I took.
Also, if you see my on the tube feel free to say hi, give me a chip/slice of pizza, turn your music down and give me some space to hold onto the hand rail. There is only a 60% chance I'll blog about it.

M x